


Dear Kevin’s Sooooo Not-A-Diary

by Zolac_no_Miko



Category: Metanoia (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-06
Updated: 2009-08-06
Packaged: 2017-10-23 16:58:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/252658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zolac_no_Miko/pseuds/Zolac_no_Miko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything would be so much less complicated if Star was as much of a jerkface as he used to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Kevin’s Sooooo Not-A-Diary

**Author's Note:**

> Birthday porn for Petra. Much thanks to look_alive on Livejournal for the beta.
> 
> Originally [posted on Livejournal](http://riverside-hq.livejournal.com/327152.html) 08/06/2009.

Dear Kevin’s Brain-Log,

Everything would be so much less complicated if Star was as much of a jerkface as he used to be. It’s really not fair. Things were really so much better when he was more hateable. When he was just that asshole that Zander liked. I mean, not to say I wasn’t really really grateful when he rescued me from the scary goth-chick nephilim and their box full of grenades, and then was nice to me in that I’m-kinda-nice-but-I’m-also-kind-of-a-dick kind of way he has. …Because I was. _Really_ grateful. But then he never really stopped. He just kept being all… nice, and snarky-teasing, and smirky, and charming, and sexy….

…This Is A Problem. ::headdesk:: See, now I know what Zan sees in him. _And I really didn’t want to see that._ Sigh. …Also, is it totally weird that the Bad that I can feel in him is still frightening, only now it also… kind of… excites me?

I am so doomed.

***

Dear Kevin’s Sooooo Not-A-Diary,

Star and Alexander aren’t speaking to each other. Again. It’s a very subtle sort of not-speaking-to-each-other, where if you’re not looking closely (but of course, I always am, I’m always watching both of them. Argh.) they seem like they’re acting normally, only Star avoids looking at Zan, and when Zan tries to make a gesture of peace and friendship and “I care about you”, you know, like a touch on the arm or a kind word, Star bristles and looks like he’s going to bite, like an angry cat. And then Zan looks sad, and then he looks annoyed. They’ve been doing this all day.

I try to pretend this doesn’t make me gleeful.

***

Dear Kevin’s Yeah-This-Totally-Is-A-Diary,

This Is Really Baaaaaaaaaad. ::insert sounds of pathetic faggy emo crying here:: No really. It’s bad. Star has completely infected my brain. …I had a wet dream about him last night. _Again._

It _must_ be obvious how I’ve turned into a twitchy nervous wreck whenever I’m around him. I’m hyper-aware of every little casual touch, every elbow-in-the-ribs, every shoulder-bump, every hair-tousle… hrrgablurble. …Star’s surprisingly touchy-feely for the kind of bastard that kills people for a living. It’s kind of creepy except that _oh God never let it stop._ …Also, am I on glue or _does he touch me more than he touches anyone else?!_ Wishful thinking, yes/no?! …I don’t think he _ever_ touches Zan. And as we’ve already discussed, I’ve been watching. What does it mean?! :agonizes::

Anyway, he seriously seems to go out of his way to spend time hanging out with me. (I think to myself, as my heart pounds out of my chest.) He’s always like, “Hey Kevin, let’s go get a beer,” and, “Hey Kevin, you wanna blow shit up with me?” and we’ll go to his apartment and he’ll ask Zander if we can use his game system and Zander looks like he’d rather stab himself in the eye with a fork than let us sit on his bed together and play video games for several hours, but of course he says yes and goes off to sulk by his computers. …I think Star mostly does it just to piss Zander off, but I can hardly bring myself to care. I’m too busy basking in the attention to be bothered about what the cause is (although of course I really _hope_ that-- argh!). And so then we sit there on Alexander’s bed and shoot things and I’m sure I really suck because I can’t concentrate on the game, his proximity is so distracting, I can _feel_ him on my skin, and half my headspace is taken up with cataloguing for posterity every single time he grins that smirky grin at me….

…Oh God I am SUCH a GIRL.

***

Dear… Why The Hell Do I Always Refer To Myself In The Third Person, Anyway?

Lexi is an Awesome Roommate. He’s seriously, like, a genius in the truest sense of the word, and even though I feel like a complete moron next to his verging-on-god-like powers, it’s so nice to be around someone who truly speaks my language. And I’m looking forward to learning from him. And. He’s fun to hang out with.

That is all.

***

Dear Kevin-of-the-Future,

OH MY GOD, I AM SO STUPID, I am so stupid, oh my God, kill me now!! I’m a Goddamned stupid moron idiot person!!

Kevin-of-the-Future, it is your job to build a time machine and come back in time and PREVENT ME FROM BEING SUCH A MORON!!

Okay so I got drunk. I’m still drunk, although I’m a little bit less drunk now because I spent the past two hours hiding under my pillow bewailing my moronicness. But anyway, I got drunk.

No wait I should start at the beginning. I guess Zan went out to be anti-social in public at Locus Pocus, and Star was like, “Hey! Let’s have a party! With booze! No angels allowed!!” So Lexi and Emily and Gina came over to Star and Zan’s apartment and we drank a lot of beer. Well we didn’t let Gina have very much because she’s underage (and I think Jane would KILL US), but she’s a freaking lightweight… after two beers she collapsed on the couch all floppy and giggling, and Lexi was trying to keep an eye on her and flirt with Emily at the same time, and Emily was very deftly parrying his advances. …I think she likes him though. I don’t know what she’s waiting for, but I admire her cool. BECAUSE I HAVE NO COOL.

So anyway they’re off in their corner doing their thing, and Star and I are hanging out and talking about stuff, and I’m definitely more drunk than I should be because I’m nervous and can’t stop drinking. And somehow we got talking about movies, and it came up that I hadn’t seen Cube, and Star decided I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO SEE IT RIGHT NOW! And I think I was having like one long continuous heart attack because a) that movie’s kind of scary and gross in parts and 2) Star’s like RIGHT THERE, I can feel his bodyheat through my clothes or maybe I was imagining that, and he’s lounging all comfortable on the couch with his arms stretched out across the cushions so, like, almost kind of around my shoulders. And then that guy gets his face burned off with acid and I guess I musta jumped or made a noise or something because Star smirks at me and says “What’s the matter, too scary for you?” And I must’ve been all deer-in-the-headlights because he was LOOKING RIGHT AT ME and my genius rejoinder is “No?” And he must not have believed me, go figure, cuz he smirks wider and then I stopped being able to hear or see or think or breathe properly because he’s reaching for me and then his fingers are in my hair. He tousles my hair and says “Awww, that’s cute~!” and tugs on a lock of hair and gives me that teasing smirk that’s so very very sexy.

So then I kissed him.

BECAUSE I’M DUMB.

Star looks _surprised_ and goes “Whoa, what?” all confused and suddenly it feels like the walls are closing in on me and I blurt out “You were flirting with me!” And I can see his eyes glaze and rolling off to the side and the look on his face, thinking, Was I? And right at that EXACT moment Zan comes in from the club and throws a hissy fit because the open containers of alcohol are too close to his computers and in the chaos I took the opportunity to RUN AWAY.

…AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH so I’ve been hiding under my pillow and oh god I’m so stupid someone please shoot me.

***

Dear Kevin’s Epic Failure of a Life,

When I woke up this morning and remembered that I am a gigantic dumbass, I resolved never to leave my room ever again. Unfortunately, G.I. Jane had other plans. First thing in the morning, team meeting/progress report thing. So then I’m stuck in a room for almost an hour with everyone and Star, and he just won’t stop _staring_ at me. Not that I actually _looked_ more than a couple of times, but I didn’t need to. I can feel all of his attention focused on me, and it burns like a shaft of light from the sun. And the look in his eyes… like he’s a jaguar and I’m… I dunno, some kind of small forest creature, and he’s got me pinned, and he’s not even hungry but he’s going to disembowel me, just because he _can_. We _finally_ wrapped up the meeting and I escaped from the room, and spent a mostly peaceful day scanning through books with Lexi. Except he kept sending me out to get stuff, like pizza and pop (what am I, his maid?), and _almost every time_ Star’s out there, lurking in the hallway or the elevator or something, always with Zan or Jane or somebody talking at him, and always with that predatory, considering look as he peels the flesh from my bones with his eyes.

My life is over. I can feel it. I am so dead.

***

Dear Me,

OH. MY. GOD.

…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay. So. My brain is kind of somewhere else right now, but I’m going to do my best to record recent events as faithfully and with as much detail as possible. For, you know, posterity. And. Yeah. …Eheheh.

I was forced to leave my room again for purposes of laundry, but I’d managed to sneak about without being spotted… or so I’d thought. I was in the hallway heading back to my room when I sensed… well, I imagine it would be what a mountain lion feels like just before it pounces on poor unsuspecting Bambi. Before I could even begin to react to this alarming mystery presence Star’s voice murmured, “Hey, Kevin~” right in my ear- I mean RIGHT in my ear, I could feel his breath on my skin- he just appeared out of NOWHERE like a damn ninja. So I jump about two miles out of my shoes and back up a step, turning reflexively to face him, and then his hand is splayed on my chest and he’s pushing, and I _keep_ backing up until he’s got me backed against the wall. And then he opens the door of the storage closet next to me- like, where did that even _come_ from?!- manhandles me inside- have I mentioned how strong he is?- and shuts the door behind us. …All of this takes, maybe, six seconds. Tops.

So now we’re in the closet and it’s pitch-dark in there and my back’s against another wall, and I can _feel_ him in there with me, though we’re not touching. He leaves me in the dark for a couple of seconds and then I hear a click as he yanks the chain of the naked incandescent bulb. He’s got me pinned against the bare back wall of the closet, shelves to either side, and he’s got his hand on the wall on either side of my head, and his face is about four inches away from mine… and there’s that devilish grin again.

“So,” he says, and taps the fingers of his right hand against the wall, idly. There’s an incongruous sound, sharp and crackly, and I slide my gaze to the side to investigate. I see that he has a couple of rubbers held between his fingers. …I think it is at this point that I forget how to breathe. “Ah…” I reply, although I think it came out kind of squeaky. “So,” he said again, light and conversational-like, but with a widening of that dangerous grin, “we were having a conversation the other night, weren’t we, before we were so rudely interrupted~?” My intelligent reply to _that_ was, “Um?” “I’d like to pick up where we left off,” he said. “Why don’t we start with you kissing me again?” I must’ve looked like I thought he was going to eat me. He leaned in even closer, his face two inches from mine, his eyes still dangerous and his breath on my lips as he murmured, “Go on~. Kiss me~.”

What could I do? He had me cornered- literally. …So I kissed him.

Instantly his body was sealed against mine and he pressed into the kiss, exploring my mouth with his tongue, forcefully but not hastily. More than likely I made some sort of pathetic whimpery noise of pleasure but since it can’t be proved let’s say I didn’t. God, he literally kissed me senseless, my head was spinning, although I’m told I’m a pretty damn good kisser so I think I held my own. And then he was nipping and kissing down my jaw, my neck, my collarbone, and his hands were under my shirt and he was peeling it off of me and chucking it in a corner somewhere, and then we were in a race to see who could get each other’s clothes off fastest, while simultaneously keeping our lips on each other’s skin. Or maybe it was who could get naked fastest. Either way, I win.

I’m still fumbling with Star’s zipper when he slides my jeans and boxers off of my hips and goes down on his knees in front of me. He puts the condom on with his _teeth_ \- oh God I really need to learn how to do that- and- and- and then he did a lot of _very_ interesting things with his tongue. My knees were shaking and he’s looking up at me with his lips around my cock, watching me, and without warning he swallowed me whole. I think I probably shouted something incomprehensible, and he chuckles throatily and I can feel the vibration of it behind my eyeballs, and I could tell that I was close, so close when he pulls off of me, slowly, with an extremely indecent slurp. I was completely incapable of speech at this point, but I gave him a look that clearly said, “WHY WOULD YOU EVER STOP?!” The bastard just smirked at me again, then raised one eyebrow, questioning. A moment later I felt a slippery finger at my hole- where did the lube come from?! I don’t know!! He’s a Goddamned sex ninja!!- and I imagine when I moaned and reflexively spread my legs he must’ve taken that as a “yes, please.”

With skillful and obviously very practiced fingers Star went about the business of stretching me, occasionally visiting my cock with long, lazy sweeps of his tongue until it was aching with the pressure, then sidetracking to explore my stomach and thighs with lips, tongue, and teeth, keeping climax always just out of reach. It was _torturous_ and I would’ve kicked him if I’d had any muscle function at all. When he started fucking me with his fingers my knees failed and I had to clutch at his shoulders to keep myself upright, my hips thrusting helplessly.

He didn’t let that continue very long. He pulled away from me and got to his feet, leaving me slumped bonelessly against the wall. He shimmied quickly out of his jeans- I noticed he wasn’t wearing any underwear- and armed himself efficiently with condom and lube. I was still mostly incapable of voluntary movement, so he manhandled me into position, lifting one of my legs to curl around his hip before lining up and thrusting in. In very short order I had both of my legs wrapped around his waist and he was fucking me against the wall. It was awkward and very precarious and I must have cracked the back of my head against the wall at least half-a-dozen times but I was much too far gone to care. My vocabulary at this point consisted almost entirely of “oh”, “oh God”, and “ohGodyespleaseyes”.

Star’s… a lot rougher than I’m used to. I guess I’ve never really gone for the whole “pain is pleasure” thing, I’m more of a “pleasure is pleasure” kind of guy. I could feel Star’s fingers leaving bruises where he was gripping me on my lower back, and when he wasn’t kissing me he was leaving marks all over my skin with his teeth, and he was pounding into me like Goddamn jackhammer, but… under the circumstances I really couldn’t complain. And it occurred to me that maybe I should give as good as I got, so sort of experimentally as he was kissing me I bit into his bottom lip. I think I bit him harder than I’d meant to because I could taste blood, but he made a noise that was halfway crying out and halfway a growl and pounded into me even harder. After a moment he freed up one of his hands (making our position even _more_ precarious) and began firmly stroking me off. I lasted a pathetically short time after that, but, in my defense, I had been hovering on the edge for quite some time now. Star was still going strong, but once I had control of my muscles again I clenched around him and sank my teeth into his shoulder. He let out a throaty growl and thrust deeply a few more times before shuddering to a stop.

He pulled out and I put my feet down and we collapsed together against the wall, me dazed and him grinning and both of us breathing heavily. There were a couple of minutes of silence and stillness, and then he licked my neck. “I’m confused,” I said. He leaned back and raised his eyebrow at me. “…Satisfied, extremely content… and confused,” I amended quickly. “I thought you were flirting, but then you weren’t flirting, but then… closet… sex…” I trailed off lamely, gesturing vaguely. He chuckled low in his throat and said, “You caught me off-guard, is all. I thought you were still hung up on Zan.” “But… you kept… touching me! And stuff!” I said, feeling lame. And sounding lame. He laughed again, and I may have been imagining things, but I think he sounded just a little embarrassed, and he said, “Yeah, you actually kind of… reminded me of my kid brother….” So then I was busy groaning with the mortification of _that_ statement, but he cut me short by biting me just above where my shoulder meets my neck. …It totally left a mark, where it _shows_ too, above my collar. Bastard. …But anyway I think the point is he doesn’t think of me like I’m his little brother anymore? Or if he does there are things about his relationship to his brother I don’t want to know about, because then he told me, “You weren’t half bad, we should do this again sometime, maybe,” with that smirk on his face again, and I tried not to be too enthusiastic agreeing.

We tossed the rubbers into a corner (I feel bad for the janitor?) and he produced some tissues (where do they come from? ninja magic!!) and we put our clothes back on and emerge from the closet.

… _Just as Zan comes around the corner_. He spots us and he looks like someone just slapped him, and he just glares at us and doesn’t say a word. Star smirks at him but it’s mean and sharp at the edges. I can see behind the glaring that Zander feels like he’s been punched in the gut, and I swear I’ve never felt so guilty in my life.

…And then… I remember that he broke my heart into a million tiny pieces, and suddenly I feel a lot less guilty, and I raise my head and I look Zan in the eye. And I thought, yes, Star and I just fucked in a closet. Fuck you, Alexander Skerry. And I walked away.

TRIUMPH!

So now I’m covered in bruises and my head hurts and my back hurts and my everything hurts and I’m sure I won’t be able to walk properly for the next two days, but it was _so worth it_. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t had sex in several epochs, or if it was because it was in a closet and I’m the kind of lame guy who’s only ever had sex in a bed before, or if it’s because Star was a pornstar in a previous life, but I swear to God that was the best sex I’ve ever had. And I really really really hope Star’s serious about this happening again sometime. …This is really not going to help at all with the wet dreams, is it?

OH SHIT OH GOD IF ANYONE EVER FINDS THIS JOURNAL AND READS IT I AM GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF.  



End file.
